Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
