I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
where are you?
Hypothermia
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
