He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
