I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I think i peed on brittanys purse
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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