Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
