Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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