I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
