you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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