My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
