life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
