i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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