The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
