the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
