She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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