the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
