so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
