True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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