In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
