So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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