can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
