Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
