theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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