Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
