im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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