Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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