it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
