You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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