So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
