She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
everyone is single if you try hard enough
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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