saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
