Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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