I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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