So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
