all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
