Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
