did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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