Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
