for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
