the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
