do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
