final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
