oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
