So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
