Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
