My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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