That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
