herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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