I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
