Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
