and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
