3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
