My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
