I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize